Against all logic, I enjoy myself at the volleyball games. I guess it makes sense. I loathe the schedule it takes away from me, and I hate the practices, but the games are OK. I have a game tomorrow, and a practice Wednesday, and *hopefully* our last game on Thursday. Sounds morbid of me, doesn't it, to hope my team loses. We're really very good, and it will be sad to see the team end, but I just need my life back.
Wonderful, now I'm conflicted.
I guess since Varsity sucks, I'm not going to play. I like JV, but Varsity doesn't seem attractive.
I never listen to dad when he tells me to go to bed.
You know, it's kinda weird to stare at a part of the monitor that's black. If the screen were black, it would still be glowing, sort of. Well, only kind of. So how can it be glowing black? It sends off light, and you can see it in the dark, but it's black. Period.
I have Latin tomorrow, and for the eleventh week in a row, I haven't done my homework.
I guess I have to wake up tomorrow morning.
Hey, it's 24. I guess tomorrow is alright.
So there's where the entry would have ended, had I not suddenly uncovered these really huge wells of emptiness inside me. It sounds stereotypical, but I just realized something.
What am I living for right now?
I'm driven by a desire to get out of volleyball, a longing for 24 and the new album, maybe shadowrun sometimes, and... that's pretty much it. A videogame or something, maybe.
It seems like so long since this guitar has been here under my arms.
My guitar drives me. Why don't I play? Why don't I pursue my guitar? Why can I never, ever pursue something past difficulty?
I think so much about the guitar...
I want to release these years of angst on a stage. I want to get up there with an Ibanez and a pick with a logo from some company and play songs about apathy, lust, sleep, failure, and the rain and let out everything I've been holding in since 1998. I have five years of luggage behind me and I could never rid it. I want to get on a stage and get rid of it, scatter it among a crowd in the form of rock and roll.
It means too much to me. I mean, it seems perfect. I can do something with this musical passion, I can be someone I'm happy with, I can get my stage craving, I can be proficient, I can do something totally worth pursuing with three of my best friends, and I get to unload what I'm carrying.
Something borrowed something
I had to wait for thirty minutes outside school today.
Something borrowed something
I want to draw
I said
I drew what I could
And for those three months
I did what I would
And I freed myself up
I let myself go
And I gave up that winter
I want to act
I said
I needed an ego boost
I tried twice
And for about six months
I was someone else for two hours a day
And then I just gave it up
Something tells me I'll be alright
Something tells me that nothing's right
Something tells me that if I keep going
Then I'll have to tell you something
I want to create
I said
I drew up some code
For a few months
I chased a dream
And I got too bored
And I left it unfinished again
Oh, I want to create
It's unfinished for right now.