What follows is a mopey, self-depreciative pondering, so you probably shouldn't bother reading. Still, the idea that it's out leaves me comforted. If you do read, be warned: it's petty, it's trite, it's the same shit you read everywhere else. Also be warned, give me any shit, and I hit you.

Alright.

I've seriously begun wondering if there's something wrong with me. I see people I know who can't be disliked, but I've begun to instill more spite than I can ever remember instilling. People don't like me anymore, and I don't know why. People are more likely to snap at me, like Russ did today, or just flat out hate me. I make people think I hate them on a regular basis. I've been misinterpreted a million times over, and my bad mood doesn't help it at all.

Being around who I'm around doesn't help. Some of my friends are vastly popular or well-liked, have this innate ability to be nice to anyone. Others who don't share that characteristic are as a rule smarter than me by a longshot. I don't have anything discerning, I don't have any abilities that don't cause major irritation.

I've feared trying to beg for pity for a long time, but I really think that's all I'm doing right now. I don't have anything discerning. Most of my academic skills, to speak, are going downhill because of unmotivation and frustration. Any other skill I once had is vastly out of practice. I don't have a job, I'm consistently in a state of wavering depression. Either I'm poor or I sacrifice free time. It sucks to be teenage.

I'm not sure anyone takes me seriously anymore. I've become the guy who's alright to know - the only introspection that I have left I confine to this diary, and most of my friends who ever read diaries are no longer my friends. I consider myself to have five friends who really give a shit about me, a few more who do, but I don't know well. But even so, I feel uncomfortable with most of them. When I'm not getting along with someone, it devastates me.

I've gotten in more arguments this year than I would have liked to in the next decade.

I can't imagine myself living beyond ten years from now, I really can't. I can't even imagine myself in college. I won't do work, I'm not a hard worker or a determined person. I'm disinterested and that kills me on all fronts. It pierces any talent I may ever have had, it breaks my potential and lowers my grades. It makes me a less desirable person to be around, and most of all, it leaves me aimless. I played a 16 hour session of a videogame recently, only breaking for sleep. Factoring in sleep, it's a full 24 hours devoted solely to gaming. I don't want it to be that way.

I've never been a leader, but it seems like that's what people want you to be. Mediocrity's never an option. Sometimes I wonder if it's a problem in me or a problem in everyone else, and as disgusted as I am with other people, the ones who don't care about anything, the ones who argue pointlessly, the politicos, the annoying bitchy ones, the spiteful and angry ones, the ones who have no grace whatsoever, I start to worry that all I am is this pessimist who can only see the bad in people.

I'm very unhappy with how I am, and I worry that I'm comparing myself to others so much. I know I do, but the standards around me are set so high, I can't take it anymore.

I need a fucking shoulder. Chances are, though, I get apathetics, the degraders, and the I've-got-it-worses. And you know? While I'd never harm myself, if fate exists, I'm certainly not bound for this world very long, and that scares me.
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