In fact, right now, it is 11:43, not 10:17 as listed, as I've been sitting here without words to put down. But I guess I'll start where I start.
Truth be told, I don't remember anything about you before this year. It's a bit of a blur. I wasn't really around your 'crowd' that much.
Two things happened to change that. One, we were in a class together, and two, I started going out with Jenn.
About a week into my time with Jenn, she tried to get me to break up with her and go out with you instead. I did not like this idea, and knew it would not work. At the same time, I was struggling with it, because it seemed like Jenn was doing something genuinely selfless (turned out, it's just her inspired psychosis masquerading as selflessness). And while we certainly weren't the best of friends, we certainly knew each others' names. At one point, B-Mac told me that, concerning my issues with feedback from others in my class, I should choose one person and write based on what I thought they would say. I chose you, not because of some lingering obsession, but just that I respected you more than most of my groupmates.
And, as much as Jenn would have you believe that I adored you the whole time, you know that's just Jenn being an idiot. Truth be told, Jenn had been feeding me a sack of crap for a while, and by the time we had broken up, I sort of felt like I had my pick of any girl who I wanted. This, of course, is not true, but I had, in the back of my mind, a short list of whom I could pursue.
It should not surprise you that this list eventually disappeared as I got further from my feelings of post-breakup invincibility. So, when I asked you out, it wasn't on a whim. It wasn't just another one on the list.
It's been about a month. I still want to get to know you.
It's been a month of failure. You're busy, I know. But when I think about my current relationship with you, I look back on high school.
I wish I'd gotten to know you.
Look at me, getting upset while I write this.
I honestly wish we could have been friends.
Truth be told, I don't think I'm all that great at making friends. It seems like either I'm self conscious about talking too much or I can't think of things to say. My relationship with you falls into that last category. When I have something to talk about, I really enjoy your company. I feel very relaxed, neither threatened nor condescending. I still find myself looking back on some of our conversations and just smile recalling them, no matter how short, just because it's a relaxedness that I rarely feel lately.
I haven't been very chatty lately. Some of my friends take issue at that. When I was younger, I would always think that I did all the talking all the time, and could never figure out how people who weren't me had conversations at all. Who started them? Now, I sort of see that it's kind of a mutual thing, and when I get quiet, others aren't pressured to keep prodding.
I wish I'd gotten to know you, Katy. I wish the we had been friends, and we could hang out at my house and watch a movie, or go to your house and ride bikes, or maybe have lunch at a place. As I envision it, we would have been pretty good friends. I hope to keep in touch while I'm in college, and I hope we can make plans before the school year is up.