I'm not sure when I'll finally get over you, Cre.

I've lost a lot of people in my life. Sure, everyone has. But I haven't been able to get over you.

I was in love with you.

I was completely and utterly infatuated with you.

Things went downhill. Things went way downhill. We were fighting a lot, but over stupid things. I was jealous and I was dependent and defensive and jesus CHRIST you're ten years older than me.

You were so vastly fascinating, there were so many levels of you. You had problems with your parents, with the boy, I'm not sure exactly where your head was at the whole time. Every time you had problems with the boy, I prayed that it was the end, so that you could be mine. I was in denial most of the time.

The thing was, you cared about me like no one else ever had. You knew me, you were persistently interesting, you had so much about you. You worked in CS and at the same time drew brilliantly, wrote beautifully? It was amazing.

You were everything. You were who I wanted. You were who I wanted to be. You were confident, you were vulnerable.

I don't remember you as a series of occasions. When I think about you, my first thought isn't that first night of TSO until all hours, it's not of arguing with you or of drawing with you or of sending you CDs in the mail or even calling you on the telephone. It's not of not understanding.

You told me once that mine was the only window you kept open all the time. Even in our poor periods. We were best friends, more than that.

I think I was overprotective and felt a little left out after a point. Neither of us was particularly emotionally stable, and I guess it didn't take much to knock that over. It hurt to know that you were getting closer to my friends than you were to me, or than I was to them. It hurt, I guess. And I didn't deal with it the right way. In truth, there's a lot I did wrong. I abused your friendship. I'm sorry.

There was so much that I did that was wrong, most of all the helplessness. But I've introspected beyond that, I understand the things I do.

You've left a huge void in my life that I've had trouble filling.

I don't know where I fit into your disappearance. Did you feel that I wouldn't understand? Were you sick of our fighting? Were you angry at me? Did you realize we weren't as good friends as we thought? Was there something inside you that realized that there was no place for me anymore? Did you think it would be healthier for me? Did you just get sick of me? Was the part of your life with me over? I miss our friendship, and hate to think that the feeling is not mutual.

I don't think about you every day. I posted a song to DP today and found you a few times and started to think back. I was in love with you. Part of me still is.
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