It's funny, when I was feeling all good about myself coming off of Jenn, feeling like I could have who I wanted, you were on the "maybe!" list for a while. And then I didn't act on it until May 29. Funny, that.

And I guess, looking at our chat logs leading up until that date, it was inevitable. We flattered each other a lot, and stuff.

Initially, the sensation was "hey, a girl likes me. that is awesome." And I rode that for a while. Truth be told, it took me a while to really get it. I think there was a while where I wasn't used to you - I had gone out with such... "charismatic" girls, if I want to say nice things about them, that I wasn't yet used to your quietness. I even almost ended the relationship when I was being really stupid about it.

And we've settled to the point where we really don't need to reaffirm each other. Whether or not we understand why the other loves us, we sure understand that it exists.

However, I'm going to give it a shot anyways.

Since my first two times around, I've been very wary about committing anything long-term. I never wanted to say anything I didn't mean, anything I didn't believe. And, part of that, naturally, was for a long time I didn't realize what I had. I was quite shallow about it - I didn't have the fall-hard-every-day -cling-cling-cling relationship of years past - maybe because it started through the summer. But there was no synchronizing schedules, no grabbing arms through the halls. Maybe... without that, I didn't know what to do, at first. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for a few things I said toward the middle of the summer.

A lot of times, I wonder to myself if I'm letting this relationship wane, if I'm not taking good enough care of it. And when I look back at it, I realize I'm comparing to the wrong thing - a lot of my intense conversations and constant thought about my previous two were because they had problems and I wasn't sure if they would dump me then and there or not. They forced their way into my mind. You eased your way in.

I'm not going to say you're my 'rock', as you and I are on about the same stability level. I will say that you tap into a part of me that is by far my favorite to examine, just by being you. I'm not going to say that everything you do captivates me, but I am going to say you challenge me - when I've become so cynical about this notion of romance, I still have to figure a few things out.

Most of all, I wanted to say something concrete. And from every angle I've examined it from, I can say with certainty that this is true. I'm not going to allude to a far distant future, I'm not going to plan far in advance. What I can say is this.

Every relationship ends in either a breakup or a commitment, barring extreme circumstances. The thought of breaking up with you is already so unfathomable, and it would be the most regrettable decision that I could make. I see our relationship still on the gradual, slow, uphill, and I see no plateau or peak in sight.

I'm not going to say that you know everything about me, you understand me more than anyone else does, or anything like that. Knowing someone for six months isn't a qualifier for that, and we're still very different people. I don't know exactly what can pick you up, and you don't know exactly what can pick me up. We're both getting better, of course, but neither of us has it down to an art. What I am going to say, though, is that you're an exceptionally good complement to me. You give back in very abstract ways, ones I can't describe. Your reactions, your openness, your levelheadedness and your willingness to discuss have all been incredible to me. I've found myself biting my tongue around you, just so that I can wait and say what I really mean. You understand that when I have to lay something out, I have to lay everything out, and you can't just take one piece from it. You're willing to talk things out - and while everything's not always fixed, usually things are a bit better. You're willing to get distracted and be lazy every once in a while. I can be myself around you, even. I can talk freely and openly. I don't need to impress you - you and I both impress each other enough by just being us.

I know I said early on "Six months, and I'll be happy." Fuck, it was some kind of number for me, like you were the normal one that I could just ride out. I was wrong. Give me six more months. Give me a year. Give me two years. Give me as long as we love each other, and then? Then I'll be satisfied.
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