"2. at times it's hard to look back on what i consider a shitload of wasted potential. salt still hits the wounds sometimes, you know?"
wasted potential.
by now dulcinea duct tape is in full swing, and i'm just thinking about my favorite band in the world, the one that was mine. the one that no one got how much i was into, but the ones who it felt like they understood me. their thought patterns were mine, everything they found beautiful, i found beautiful. love and science and nature and being silly and being cynical and everything. and it just hits me hard. i can't let go of this band, i've been trying to since september, but i can't. bands break up all the time, people say, but these guys understood who i was.
so now it's april, a full seven months after they played their final gig. back then i was just getting into college and now i'm almost a year in. now... now i've quit a class and am trying to stay afloat not to blow my scholarship, i'm going to go back to work and i have to try to get a week off first but i don't know if i want to lose the money. i'm trying to take a class at a community college and am worried that i missed the registration date. i've got the weight of two college educations on me - not only mine, but trying to help diona through hers, with her godawful home situation. i'm trying to establish a social bearing here, trying to figure what kind of presence i want to establish. i'm coming to terms with all the wonderful people i'll never see again in my life because of my eternal passivity, all the people i wish i would have known more than i do. i'm trying to figure out whether i'm in a manic phase where i just create like nobody's business or a depressive one where i just want to sit in front of videogames for hours and hours at a time. i'm clamping down and trying to grow up and trying to hang onto my youth at the same time, trying to eliminate the parts i'd rather not remind myself of but will always be there.
and how can i manage this transition if i can't let go of this band?
a shitload of wasted potential.
quite honestly, i'm going to blow up or burn out. the only thing keeping me together at this point is the promise that i can do something great with what part of me exists. if i don't blow up, i'll burn out. and if i burn out, i don't know what i'll do.
the only thing that keeps me going is the fear of mediocrity. this drive to make a name for myself pushes me into writing, music, art, gaming, coding, everything. and i haven't proven myself exceptional. until then, it's not the promise of the exceptional that drives me, it's the fear of the lack, and what might happen if i don't get there.
that's not a win-win. that's a lose-lose.