About three years ago, I defined the end of my year as Life Since Friday - that is, the Friday where an old friend returned to visit and got all my old grade school friends back together. I was lonely and left out, and figured out that no one from there was my friend anymore. It wasn't something to accept, it was something to be dealt with. And I did.
And just a few months back, I was hit with a swarm of people who decided that yes, they recognized who I was and it would be splendid to get in touch with me. And at first it was exciting. And then, as more of them started leaving messages, it wasn't. I was bored and uninterested in these people. That part of my life was so very over, and these people were interested in reconnecting with their past.
So I went on ignoring it.
I think it's that when a person's life no longer involves me, I'm no longer interested. The requirement for me, generally, is that either that person takes a vested interest in me, or that I've taken a vested interest in them. If neither is the case, I move on.
I went to a Bon Mots show today with Diona.
And while there, there were a lot of familiar faces. People from progressively older years, and a bunch of current seniors. We were the only ones from our year.
And I chatted with Coy a bit, though he as a hot commodity at the moment. And it was a bit of a flash of the past, though not entirely - Mike's much more at ease outside a classroom. More drinking, more swearing. It's more fun, I'd like to attend more of his shows. But I digress.
Yes. The people at Northside are better than the people at IIT. Or at least, so far. I've not carved a niche yet. But the people at Northside are gone. I don't see them. I'm not important to them, and they're not important to me anymore. Part of me knows that I have four times as much history with them, and that it's hard starting on the bottom. The other part knows that things were much the same way at Northside, but with a broader variety of people.
But I survived, with my sanity intact. I know that I've become a more stable person this year, that I've maintained the friendships crucial to my life, and as old ones die, new ones will rise to replace them. I'll never be alone. I'm fine at IIT. No matter how much of a lack there is, I know that I can fill my own voids. I'm a creative, productive person, and as the stimulation in the world around me goes down, my self-stimulation goes up. In short? My situation might not be ideal, but I can't look to the past for inspiration. I don't care where the rest of the world ends up - if it's not around me, it's not going to do anything.
Which brings me back to my original question. Are you the favorite person of anyone?
I must be.
I'm not sure what it is, precisely, but I've attained this lofty position. The truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter how disconnected someone is from you - if you can show such great and continued interest in me then I can offer you the same benefit. And I've found that in the last year, there's a great number of people who hold me in extremely high regard. I like to think it's how I think, but the friends I've made love me. They don't fake it. They love me. And I love them just as much, but... I feel as if I can help people. A lot of unhappy people. It makes me happy to make them happy, and my own self interest comes first (and if that's via someone else's, well, c'est la vie).
I'm an entertainer at heart. I want to make video games. I want to draw comic strips. I want to write songs. I want to make people laugh. I want to make people happy, or moved, or whatever. That's inherent to me. It's what I am.
I've become important to a number of people just being who I am. Whether it's helping people think in a different way or just making someone laugh when they need it, I've proven myself to be a choice friend to a solid number of people, and that makes me feel good. Some express it differently than others, but the ones I know, I know.
Diona and I left the show and after a train ride and a long drive (with three u-turns!) we went to Blue Angel to get something to eat. Just her and I, at 1AM, sitting in a diner, eating. As it should be.
You know, for all this gained self-confidence, for all this social maneuvering and feeling good about who I am, it's been easy to pass that off on others. And yet I'm not integral. I'm still a hanger-on, but I've had the luck to stick with Diona. She's the most important person to me. Sure, I feel I can rely on my other friends, but I believe in her. I trust her. I'd be happiest to stay with her as long as possible, just because she's happiness and stability (Well, as soon as she realizes that). She's promise. She's smart.
Every year I end things with a song, to name my pretentious little "book" after. But it's a therapeutic exercise. I can archive the year and label it with a song, and listening to that song can help me thing of things. Ben Folds Five gave me Army in the first year - appropriately, 'A First for Everything'. They Might Be Giants gave me 'I Don't Get Around How You Get Around' from Don't Let's Start, which applied quite well as a reflection on Vicky, who was an event for the year. 'The Frequency's Breaking Down' comes from Beulah's Gravity's Bringing Us Down. Which just seemed like a good pick - the year when nothing, really, seemed to be working. New beginnings, to little refreshment. And finally, "Too Many Fallen, Too Many Failed" from Fortress by Pinback was just the line that summed the regret in what I'd missed in High School - the mechanics of the place had cursed me.
This year's entry was a tougher choice, but I settled. It's looking forward, but holding back. Never letting the past get in your way, but acknowledging things had been better.
Mostly, it's about, well, being important.
"Book 5: Unaware of Endless Worth" From Dulcinea Duct Tape, by Troubled Hubble
Tjhe term I like to use, lately, is middle band malaise. When you're at a show for a certain band who either starts the show or headlines it, you're bound to hate the middle act, if you don't already know them. The first act gets an extra energy boost, while the last one is the exciting energetic part, but the ones between are just burnt time waiting for the last act. You're tired and sore, you want to go home, you don't give a shit about the middle band.
Except that the last two weeks have been devoid of this phenomenon - notably, because Giant Drag and The Bon Mots were both middle bands. Which is how I feel right now. High School is over, the senior year buzz is long gone, and that college thing doesn't feel here yet - I don't feel adult, not even close. But everything will be fine, I think. I've got the second act out of the way, I just don't know who's headlining. I hope they don't suck.
Business is done, there's not much left to go over. Except that there were some others at the diner tonight. There were four others. And they were loud, and I swear one of them kept saying my name, though it might not have been to me. I made some nominal eye contact. I don't know who it was, though that smile... God, that smile. I don't know if it's her, but she has the smile.
I never made the phone call. You know what? I'm all grown up. It's best I never do.